he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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