So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
