Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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