I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
