honey bunches of taint.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
