I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize