They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
