I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
