Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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