It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Still dying that you shit outside
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
