Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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