I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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