Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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