My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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