I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
