I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
