the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
