So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
