Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So here I am, sexting at work.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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