dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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