The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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