what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
