this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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