Who wears a wallet chain?!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize