I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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