its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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