I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i wish my penis had a tongue
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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