It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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