is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
