i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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