You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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