so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
