I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize