Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
