yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
