I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Sober January is a disaster.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
