My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
