I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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