someone threw a dead crab at me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
