Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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