Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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