Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
