Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
