i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
