You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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