Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
