return my video game
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
