Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
