I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
