Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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