that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
