my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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