My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
