Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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