do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
