I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
