I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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