How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
