best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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