just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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