And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
