He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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